Wednesday, January 29, 2014

What am I doing with my LIFE?!

Can I just say I adore you? Once again I'm blown away by your support and outpouring of love.

I love knowing that you're out there being blessed. Once again I'm getting positive feedback and encouragement where I didn't even begin to imagine it. I'm being blessed by your being blessed and then you're blessing me back and now I'll try my best to bless you again.

And in all this God's just smiling saying "See.... I told ya!" with his bullhorn.

So if you're being blessed feel free to share this on your Facebook page or with a friend who doesn't know me personally or someone not on Facebook. (Are there still people out there NOT on Facebook?! Good job resisting temptation you peoples.). Then the giant circle of blessings can continue!

If you're not feeling blessed, let me know. Email me. Message me. Text me. Let's talk. Over cookie butter; everyone is blessed by cookie butter.


I have some very wise people in my life. They probably don't know they're so wise, in fact I'm pretty sure that one particular four year old can't even spell "wise"... but they're there. Feeding me things I didn't even know I was starving for.

Case in point:

My Mother in Law. No... I mean it, my Mother in Law. I love this woman. For the past 15 years she has been my mom where the gap lay. She's my best friend and closest confidant. My sounding board and filter. (My filters are broken.) So for the rest of this and all future posts she will be referred to as "Mom". Yes, this can be a bit creepy if you think about the fact I consider my husband's mom to be my mom too much so let's not linger there very long...  Back to what I was saying.

My Mother in Law: We were having a conversation over dinner last week. I was in the middle of a slump, a lull, a funk. A honest Eyeore's-Lost-His-Tail grumpfest.    

I was feeling overwhelmed and useless as the chaos of keeping up a home was crushing and futile. When there must be more to life than the never ending laundry and the constant sinkful of dishes. Then I tossed out this gem. 

(credit: Homestar Runner. Seriously.)

Mom looked at me and with inadvertent wisdom said "What do you mean 'What are you doing with your life?' You're doing it."

Woah. Mind. Blown.

That's it. Whatever I'm doing with my life is what I'm doing. Every day, every moment. 

If I'm homeschooling or doing dishes or laundry or doing PT or being a wife (Mmmmm..... Dat Beard) or scrubbing floors or making beds or vacuuming or taking my girl to swim classes or cooking dinner or paying the bills or organizing my daughter's toys for the 1,000,000th time this week or blogging or doing MOPS stuff or....


That's what I'm doing with my life. 

The fact is that I'm into my 30's. I've bought, financed and paid off cars. I can file my taxes without a single bead of sweat. Not only do we have a mortgage.... we re-financed this past year!  I'm as "adult" as I'm gonna get before entering the "old" zone. 

THIS is what I'm doing with my life. 

The mundane stuff of life can sound so depressing. 

Shouldn't I be doing MORE? I mean, I personally know ladies who have their own businesses and who are in the process of publishing books and some who have more letters after their name than are in the alphabet... oh and they're wonderful moms, too. (Of course they are, those perfect ladies. Jesus loves you and so do I.)

What happened to those dreams I had of being a photographer or author or social worker or business owner or publicist? How did I go from making that "When I grow up" collage in late elementary school to changing diapers all day, every day?! (Well, not anymore... she's 4.... but you get the idea.)

When people I meet outside of my Mommy world ask me what I "do", I WANT to say more than "I'm a stay at home mom". I want to say "I have my own Etsy shop." or "I'm a freelance writer." or "I started writing this little blog and it just sky rocketed into a national speaking tour." (Dream big, sista. Dream big.)

Several times in the last several years I tried to MAKE things happen. Take on new opportunities just because I could. Things I was good at. Things outside the house, beyond the SAHM life, things that I sold my time to be paid in money or power or prominence or even a better position in heaven. 

Now, before I start getting nastygrams let me clarify a few points: 1- Working outside the house as a Mother is not a sin. Mommyhood takes many paths, each of them specifically for each mother/child(ren) combination. Mommy wars closed, OK? 2- I never did anything inappropriate, from the outside everything looked on the up and up and many of these were "godly" pursuits. (read: No. I was not a stripper....... Why are you laughing?) 3- I know I am saved by grace and not by works now. But I have a heavy Catholic background; old faiths die hard. 

But what was desperately missing from each one of these ventures is that I was not called to them. Let me repeat: I. Was. Not. Called. To. Them. 

Not. Called. To. Them.

Yep, not even that ministry. Yeah, the one where I'm good at stuff. Where I have long learned skill and ability. The one that looks to everyone on the outside a perfect match for me so I should do it. And be happy about it..... but if I am not called by God to serve there. If my focus is no longer serving God but making false idols of pride and vanity. If my own motivation isn't to obey God but seek the praise of man. .... then it will cause me to fall. 

And I fell. 


Into a pit of angry. 

And THAT was depressing.

After I processed the "guilt" that came with leaving each of these jobs/ministries/volunteer positions (Remember: heavy Catholic background) I had overwhelming peace. That cloud of anger and resentment dissipated and I was able to focus on Him and hear His plan for my life. I knew that whatever I was "supposed" to be doing with my time would happen. That if a new opportunity came by and I prayed and waited for a clear answer from God then it would be blessed. 

This means timing the jump just right. In some cases I've already jumped, and it's been awesome. Beyond awesome. Pure awesomesauce. Not all the time, but enough of the time so I know without a doubt He's in it.

In others I'm just waiting for what's next. Waiting but not obsessing. Because when I know, I'll know. 

So in the meantime when the question bubbles and churns in the back of my head. When I find myself the midst of sprawling toys and dirty laundry mountain ranges and dealing with whatever that funky stuff is behind the toilet. When I catch a glimpse of myself in the toothpaste covered bathroom mirror still in my PJ's while the wild beast takes her afternoon nap.... "What am I DOING with my life?!"

I will not spend another moment being depressed. I will stand up straight and proud and unshowered in my 3:30 pm pajamas and say "I am doing THIS because I am called to THIS."

I will let His peace cover me because I am where He wants me to be. For now.

And then I will take a shower.

1 comment:

  1. Seriously. So. Blessed.

    I'm so grateful for you and for being able to read what your heart is pouring out. a.k.a I'm diggin what you're layin. lol.