That one I couldn't come up with a title for...

11 years ago this little movie came out. I'm sure you've never heard of it. "Mean Girls"? Oh, you have? Well I haven't. It may have come on my radar, but blipped off just as fast as it blipped on. I mean, 11 years ago, I was fresh out of teenager-hood. I was 21 and convinced, as a married woman with a mortgage and two completed car loans between my husband and I, I was fully grown up and shunned anything that teenagers even remotely showed an interest in. (But, unlike today, I was keenly aware what was "in"... Where on Earth did Arrianna Grande come from... and did I even spell that right?!)

I wasn't interested in the music and laughed at the stupidity of "Don't 'Cha" by "The Pussycat Dolls". Really? I'm supposed to take this seriously. Pussy. Cat. Dolls? Yeah, no.

I did not get this complete obsession over this book, "Twilight". I mean, sparkly vampires? No. Nope. I mean, this vampire, spends all his time mooning over this mopey girl for why? I just didn't get it. (and still don't. I mean, I know and love many people who are borderline obsessed... I'm. just. not.... but I still love you!)

I wasn't one for high school comedies. I had seen "American Pie" and I've had enough of that. Thank you very much. Ewww.

Then time went on, cable was (is) crazy expensive and Netflix became a viable option for our day-to-day entertainment... then God said let there be streaming.

I found the awesomeness of "30 Rock" and Tina Fey. (and soon after "Parks and Rec" and Amy Poehler) I devoured her show and then her biography (Amy, too). I realized, slowly that I loved them. I loved their power. I loved their confidence. I loved that they played the "boys game" of humor and won. Girls could be funny, I mean REALLY funny. I loved that they could be funny without the trap of exclusively being gross about sex,  like so many female comediennes fall into.

Side note: Sex isn't funny. Sex is awesome, with a bit of hilarity sprinkled in because it's also kinda embarrassing and gross... but really, really it's awesome. Really awesome.... with the.... and the..... yeaaaaahhhh.....

Wait, what I was saying?..... Oh yeah, "Mean Girls". Tina Fey wrote and had a fairly big role (bigger than I expected) in this movie. Lo and behold, this month it's on Netflix. Streaming.

Have you seen this movie? No. Ok, go on Netflix and come back. I'll see you in 97 minutes, 92-ish if you don't watch the end credits. No, really go watch it because there's gonna be some new things that enter my vocabulary that you're gonna want some point of reference on.  Such as:

  

Ok I'm gonna stop so you can watch it.

 Watch it now. Go.
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So, what did you think? I know, right?!

Me too!

Yep, I'm 15 years out of High School and I completely relate to everything T-Dawg (That's what Tina Fey wants her friends to call her. What-eves. She's so obsessed with me.) wrote in this movie. But one part. One statement stopped me cold:

Cady: "The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me."

What the what?

Does she live in my head? Because sometimes, when I look at a situation that really stresses me out I can call it what it is: this out of balance mentality of making sure the "right" people like me.

People that have hurt me. That have caused me tears.

People that scare me. That make me doubt myself and who I am.

People who intimidate me. That are smarter, thinner, prettier, God-li-er... better... than me.

People who have left me behind. That were once oh-so-close and now rarely look me in the eye.

.... and I want them to like me. A LOT.

I want their affirmation and accolades and friendships... because I'm a little sick in the head a people pleaser.

But it needs to stop... and in the last year or so I've really worked on the concept that I need to LOVE everyone but I don't necessarily need to LIKE everyone.... and if I'm going to be the real me that God made me and make the right decisions for me and my family, not everyone is gonna like ME.... and that's OK. I mean, it's gonna be uncomfortable maybe... but it's OK.

Because part of leaving High School, growing up, is leaving behind the "frenemies". I have no time for that. I've got a Husband, a Child, a House. Homeschooling, housekeeping, serving, banking, cooking, cleaning, crafting, studying, therapy-ing, LIVING takes up all my time. Should I spend a moment of my extra time obsessing about what random people think of me?

And when I say random I mean RANDOM.

Now before any of of my real people friends wonder "Is Jess talking about me? Does she truly hate me?" No. Listen to me.... NO. Because if you're a real people friend I want you in my life. I want to spend time with you and I choose to spend time with you, because I love you. It's not a perfect world and it's not as often as I would like.... but I love you. Is that clear? LOOOOOOVE!

I'm just sayin' that moment, the realization put out into words, of "Why am I fighting for this one person's affirmation when I don't even really LIKE them?" is huge. 

I mean, truly, only one person's opinion EVER matters....

And He sees me, not at my good-hair-day, full-make up best. 

But at my worst. 

My ugliest.

My bed head and morning breath

At my angriest, at my most bitter, at my most jealous and full of resentment. 

That He holds me through my cycles of depression and rage. 

That He sits next to me as I sin over and over and over again.... and He holds my red tear-stained face in His nail pierced hands and says 'You're worth it. The suffering and loneliness and pain that I went through. I'd do it all over again for you. Just for you.'

This truth is so big and so real I'll just leave you with this perfect illustration of me writing this post: